Of course, the crotch today remains a valuable weapon in the rock arsenal, as exemplified by the current wave of tight pants bands rehashing the Kinks/The Who sound of the 60s and 70s. More and more women are also mobilizing their crotches as well for the good of the rock. Take Peaches, for example. In recent years, the famed Electroclash chanteuse has turned her crotch into something of a cottage industry for photos, song lyrics and album covers.

Perhaps in time these performers will warrant special accolade. For this article, however, we cast our gaze on the elder statesmen and women of rock; those who burned bright, burned big and then (mostly) wilted away. These are the proven masters of denim pyrotechnics and their legend will remain etched in stone in the annals of rock history.

Whether by physical presentation, stylistic innovation or a certain ineffable spirituality, the crotches of the following performers will always live on in the hearts of the fans.

 

Robert Plant The crotch of Robert Plant should be considered the fifth instrument of Zeppelin. For stripping away all ambiguity as to the proportions, dimensions and angles of his package, Robert Plant is a true innovator. On stage he may have been singing "Kashmir," All My Love," and "Ramble On," but implicitly he was whispering gingerly into your ear, "Here is the outline of my penis."

Freddy Mercury Who can forget the image of Freddy prancing around the stage in his white leotard suit, jutting his ass out and holding the microphone stand over his thighs, toothy lips locked in that O formation. Picture him. He crouches while Brian May does a little guitar lick and then he explodes into a mighty full-body pelvic thrust. Head tilted back, he blasts out a high C, offering as accompaniment—to an entire stadium no less—one of the best crotches in the business. Are you ready Freddy? Definitely.

Iggy Pop Iggy was a personification of the adage, it's not what you've got it's what you do with it. The man was a living crotch grab. His whole body was a crotch. Whether he was jerking it like a savage, thrusting it while flicking people off, or writhing around on the ground banging the microphone against it, Iggy's crotch was the centerpiece of the rock-pocolypse he unleashed on the world every time The Stooges played.

Bon Scott Clearly of the Robert Plant school, Bon Scott, former lead vox for AC DC, was a proponent of the skin tight faded denims stretched bafflingly across the genitals like saran wrap. Bon was never one for subtlety though, and while Robert slunk around stage according to a somewhat trippy, faux arty aesthetic, Bon Scott strutted balls-out plain and simple—as if to say, "Yes indeed this is my cock—it's where the rock comes from."

Jim Morrison James. Jimmy. Jimbo. Love the leather pants. No crotch retrospective would be complete without a special nod to the Lizard King, owner of one the most romantically alluring crotches in rock history. Where was the bass player in The Doors? They've got a keyboard player, a guitar player, a drummer, and of course a singer (a God), but no bassist. Why no bass? Answer: The bass was supplied by your own beating heart as you stared longingly into Jim's area.

Axl Rose Remember Axl? When he was teetering over the edge during the Use You Illusion I and II album tours? He wore spandex biker shorts for like 5 years straight. What was he thinking? Nice rock crotch though.

Prince Obviously.

David Bowie In codpiece or out, The Bowie has managed to be all-crotch for something like seven decades. Master chameleon that he is, his offerings run the gamut from the subtle, GQ, perfectly-tailored crotch (his latest manifestation) to corporate 80s power crotch (remember those pleated white pants?) to spandex Glam super queen crotch (when Ziggy fell to earth). No one performer is so in tune with his crotch—and it's potential to capture the collective imagination of the globe—as is Bowie.

Courtney Love As the only female member on the list, Courtney Love is a master of the "Fuck YOU, man" crotch. As in, "Underwear? Fuck YOU, man." Courtney's contribution to the crotch arts stems from her take on the leg-on-the-monitor rock pose: don't wear any underwear and don't do much tidying up beforehand.

David Lee Roth Diamond Dave brought a certain athleticism to crotch showmanship that warrants special mention. Whether it was scissor kicks or back flips, the erstwhile front man of Van Halen and current coke-head wastoid Roth was the apogee of that golden age of the rock crotch: the spandex Metal years. Special mentions go to CC Deville of Poison, Bruce Dickenson of Iron Maiden and every single member of Ratt, but the crotch king of the '80s was David Lee Roth hands down. And apparently all the California girls say he didn't even need to stuff 'em.